a rock and a hard place

today just seems...so hard....as have all the days since the man seemingly wrote me out of his life....
I'm lonely...I miss my best friend...my life....
There is a most appropriate song in my life...played at my father's service when he passed away...
the lyrics are heart-wrenching and true for my life as well...
especially the riff about being drunk for over two weeks....because I cannot get my mind straight or my heart straight and everything just seems so damned numb.....I don't want to remember any of this....
so I'll stay in my realm of neuro-incapacitation until I can find a boat in this vast ocean of cold, dark, loneliness to climb into...rather than just floating with my face upward only to breathe.
somebody hold me and tell me it will all get better......

Mother, mother ocean, I have heard you call,
Wanted to sail upon your waters
since I was three feet tall.
You've seen it all, you've seen it all.

Watch the men who rode you,
Switch from sails to steam.
And in your belly you hold the treasure
that few have ever seen, most of them dreams,
Most of them dreams.

Yes, I am a pirate two hundred years too late.
The cannons don't thunder there's nothin' to plunder
I'm an over forty victim of fate
Arriving too late, arriving too late.

I've done a bit of smugglin'
I've run my share of grass.
I made enough money to buy Miami,
But I pissed it away so fast,
Never meant to last, never meant to last.

I have been drunk now for over two weeks,
I passed out and I rallied and I sprung a few leaks,
But I've got to stop wishin',
Got to go fishin', I'm down to rock bottom again.
Just a few friends, just a few friends.

I go for younger women, lived with several awhile
And though I ran away, they'll come back one day.
And still could manage a smile
It just takes awhile, just takes awhile.

Mother, mother ocean, after all these years I've found
My occupational hazard being my occupations
just not around.
I feel like I've drowned,
Gonna head uptown.