once upon a life....

WELL, WELL, WELL..... I certainly thought that when things came back together, that the pieces would fit where they needed to. Well...that is definitely not how it works.  So...I have lost my mind it seems.  I've had a procedure done to sterilize myself. No. I do not want any more kids. I have the one perfect one and that's all. So in order to do this procedure, I needed to take hormone pills. This was NOT a good idea. So I took the pills, got totally damned crazy in the head...started almost pre-menopause type  feelings...hot flashes...very blatant mood swings....unstoppable crying....a total basket case. Then came the procedure...which was a piece of cake really. Then, because the procedure cannot be "totally effective" for 3 months, they offer the depo shot. A three month birth control shot. Oh, that's great I thought. That will work out perfectly. hah! again.....it's filled with those fuckin' demon hormones and I am now smack dab in the middle of...

Some days it seems the whole world is out to get ya....and sometimes they really are.... I had to spend two days with my boss last week. A total lynching. See...they fired my co-worker a few months ago and ever since then, el jeffe has been on my tail. They've hired a new guy to take his place and he and I are NOT jiving....kind of like fleas on a dog....and I'm the one who keeps getting bit. Well, the new guy has already ratted me out for doing what has been done in this store since I've been here...and it's okay with everyone else...I mean, who doesn't leave a couple hours early every now and then? well...the new guy would email my boss every single time I left...and now wants to be my friend...um....NO> screw off asshat. So bossman calls me in the office twice last week (see, he usually operates out of another location and isn't here with me on a daily basis-the set up is slightly different than most stores) to talk with me about my "positivie attit...

Well, It's been almost 9 months since I last blogged.... Things have changed quite a bit. In May I finally won my lover back....It wasn't easy though. I gave in....all the things that separated us to begin with....I decided it was better to have him in my life knowing that he wouldn't marry than to never have him in my life. I'm still not sure what my reasoning was for caving in....I had several offers for marriage and courtship, but I love him...and nothing or no one can replace that. So the big hurdle in our lives is his monster...er...mother....she is a rather pig headed, extremely independent business woman who only has her son in her life. She is very adamant that no woman will ever be good enough for her son...and therefore...we do not talk. In the almost six years (give or take a few) that we have been together, I can honestly count on on hand how many interactions I have had with her....and only the first one was, dare I even say, positive. I have even asked...

today just seems...so hard....as have all the days since the man seemingly wrote me out of his life.... I'm lonely...I miss my best friend...my life.... There is a most appropriate song in my life...played at my father's service when he passed away... the lyrics are heart-wrenching and true for my life as well... especially the riff about being drunk for over two weeks....because I cannot get my mind straight or my heart straight and everything just seems so damned numb.....I don't want to remember any of this.... so I'll stay in my realm of neuro-incapacitation until I can find a boat in this vast ocean of cold, dark, loneliness to climb into...rather than just floating with my face upward only to breathe. somebody hold me and tell me it will all get better...... Mother, mother ocean, I have heard you call, Wanted to sail upon your waters since I was three feet tall. You've seen it all, you've seen it all. Watch the men who rode you, Switch from s...

I need some time to heal, he said….. I’ve lost my best friend and now my head is spinning….my mind is numb….I am completely lost…. I’ve spent the last five years doing everything I could to make this man happy…because ultimately that is what makes me happy…I’m a pleaser….I’m not happy unless I know I can do something worthwhile for someone else. I miss his silly laugh. I miss his voice of reasoning coming at me every time I complained about something not going my way. I miss his squeezing hugs. I miss his eyes…changing color with his moods…. I miss making passionate love to the only person I have ever been so physically compatible with… I miss his kiss….I miss his bites on my neck, cause he knows that makes me drop to my knees. I miss how he just never stops….always working…helping others…no matter what time or what the reason…he’s up and gone when the tone sounds…and to return to me…waiting for him. I miss doing his laundry for him when he was away or busy…because it gave ...

miss pissy pants is throwing a pity party today. why is it so bad to want things to go your way, just once? to want recognition for the things you do....ever? how bout we just all run the hell away... oh wait, I'm a grown up....we're not supposed to do that now. there's gotta be a better way....